I am home from work today. I have been felled by some sort of malady that has left me feeling like some nice man took a hammer to all my joints then an ice pick to my kidneys. While I was on the ground writhing in pain another nice man, who had to weigh around three hundred pounds, jumped on my stomach with both feet. You would think that possessing the power of Thor, I would be able to dodge a passing microbe every now and then. Maybe the microbe in question is made out of Mistletoe. I am pretty sure the only thing Thor isn't immune to is Mistletoe. If I remember from my Norse Mythology, Thor was eventually killed by an arrow made of Mistletoe.

Wait. Maybe that was Balder who was shot with the Mistletoe arrow. Now that I think about it, I am pretty sure that it was Balder the Brave who had the whole aversion to twigs.

Think about that for a second, if that story is true--or based on truth, as Vikings saw it--then twigs of mistletoe are far more dangerous than we thought. Up until now, I am sure you thought the worst that could happen from sprigs of it was trying to look Jane from accounting in the eye after the company Christmas party. Or, maybe you have left it up in your house until March then had to climb up on the arm of a chair to take it down and a dried up, dusty leaf-bit falls into your eye. That could be another way Mistletoe could come back to haunt you.

Wow, where was I going there?

Right, home sick for the first time this year. You know, being a grown up and calling in sick is not like it was when we were kids. When I was younger and I was too sick to go to school, I would lie on the sofa wrapped up in a blanket, drink juice, eat toast, and watch Smokey and the Bandit on TBS. I don't know why that movie was on television every time I was sick, but it seemed to be. I think Ted Turner loves that movie just as much as I do. Say what you will about Ted, he may not have been that nice to his ex-wife and sure, he did try to color all the black and white movies ever made but he gave me the best thing a sick boy could have. He gave me uncle Burt.

Some of you might not understand what that movie does to my inner redneck. That first time you hear the 6.6 liter roar as Bandit slides around a curve with an 18 wheeled, tractor trailer swerving in behind him. Classic. The sound that engine makes, strikes a chord somewhere deep in the soul and sets your whole body vibrating. The hair on your neck stands up, chills roll down your spine, and your whole body thrums to the exact frequency as that massive black beast. I don't think you can call yourself a redneck if you don't love that film. -- Sniff. I just need a moment. . .

So I am home sick, wrapped in a blanket, eating toast and drinking juice and the whole thing feels cheapened somehow due to the complete lack of Burt. The best thing I can find on the telly is Hostage, starring Bruce Willis. I like Bruce, I imagine he is a nice person to hang out with given that he will burst into song if the band is jumping. I am one of the 30 people that bought his CD (The Return of Bruno. Who knew he had left?) when it came out and I still enjoy listening to his version of Secret Agent Man. The film is good, but it is no Smokey and the Bandit.

Okay. On to real things. January kicks off with a serious bang. The entire Metropolitan area is going to be saturated with events that revolve around the stories, plays, life and whatnot of one William Shakespeare. What? You didn't know? You never heard of it? Neither had I until I sat in on a couple of meetings last week. If you feel mildly left out of the whole thing, fear not, it runs from now until JUNE! I think you will have plenty of time to take in some of the highest lowbrow theatre ever written. If you are all really good, I will root around and post up my pics of Southwark (Pronounced "suth-erk") Cathedral. Why? Because that is where he is buried. His tomb is quite cool with a lovely stained glass window, alabaster tomb cap, loads of Americans standing around, all the good stuff. Feel free to go out and take in some of the festivities, but don't do too much right off the bat or you will get very angry come May when it is shoved in your face at every turn. Small bites. That is all I am saying. Small bites.

Finally, some Olsson's event news (I got to it eventually) coming up in the next weeks. I know you are all excited about Ivor Hanson at Dupont. You all have the punk spirit that I do and nothing is going to cement that in your mind more than Ivor's book. Trust me.

The real place to be in the next couple weeks is going to be Virginia. Not that I have shunned the District stores (nor should you), there are just more things happening in VA. You like Sci-fi? You like space ships? You like David Weber? We have him! Crystal City baby!

Maybe you are more into contemporary history? Pop out to Courthouse and see The Race Beat. Like your History a bit older? Take in Ross King as he talks about his new book Judgment of Paris or join ME--yes me--and Alan Folsom as he talks about his new book, The Machiavelli Covenant. Whew! Good times!

As a final parting shot, I would like to say that I have been very good since my New Years 'overindulgence'. I am glad for all the cards and letters that no one sent me wishing me to feel better. Thank you all for your silence and continued support. I am sticking with the old adage of no news being good news, so until I hear you telling me to shut up I will keep right on ranting.

If anyone needs me, I will be sleeping on the floor in my bathroom because the tile floor feels so cool on my face. I assume I will recover and be back next week with something else you all can't wait to read.